Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
my mouth tastes like poor choices
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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