dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
