dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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