The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
