oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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