so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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