best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
