I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
