somebody snuck up and got me drunk
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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