a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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