Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
