I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
