I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
