and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
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Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
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You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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