I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
