Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
