Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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