i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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