how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
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I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
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My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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