ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
