he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
