your parents love me but you hate me
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
