He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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