What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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