What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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