Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
porn star boner night. come get it.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I believe in your delicious
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
