did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
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