my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
