Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
