Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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