The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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