I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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