dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I puked a lego.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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