Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
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Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
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I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
May the power of my ass compel you!!
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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