Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
