Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
