he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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