Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
