i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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