The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
