she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
