My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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