The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
