i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
