Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
why is half of my head shaved?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
