Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
