Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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