Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
porn star boner night. come get it.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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