I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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