Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
