i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We have started to decorate penises.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
