i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
