This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
