Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Dignity is for republicans.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
