Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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