you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
