i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
