Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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